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here's the real barney death story:
as barney was returning from the store one afternoon (with several cases of illegal ammunition to keep his tommy gun clacking for his next show: what happens when you shoot someone & firearm saftey)he tripped over a bag of money lying in the street. his ammunition spilled everywhere. pedestrians walking by recognized the dinosaur of the treasured tv program and smiled. the next thing they noticed (after the size of his big, bobbling head) were the cases and cases of bullets and tommy gun diffused all over the sidewalk. the first passersby stopped to ponder the presence of the ammo and money together, and a most insidious explanation made itself apparent to him: barney robbed a bank and tripped over his aircraft-carrier sized flippers he uses as a pathetic excuse for feet.
a crowd gathered and they all assumed the same thing: theft and armed robbery. the crowd closed in. barney got nervous. he said, "hi, everybody! i just...er...dropped my groceries! hee huh! anyone care to help me clean up? i'll sing for you!"
this made the crowd angry. barney, trying to lie? why, that purple/green buffoon couldn't lie if his life depended on it. and now it did, so unfortunately for him.
the crowd replied, "hell no, barney. clean it yourself. we're gonna make an even bigger mess outta you!"
barney was confused. to his miniscule pigeon brained self he heard what they were saying as: "sure barney! we'd all be glad to pitch in and help you!"
in response to the crowd's idealistic response (to barney's elephant ears) he guffawed and said, "Goshy golly gee! how swell you folks are! i'll sing to make it go faster! clean up, clean up, everybody do your stuff..."
but he got no farther. an infuriated crowd jumped him and bashed his brains against the sidewalk. or they tried to. his padded grape was so big no one could move it or smash it in any way. they just gave him a black eye and some bruises.
luckily for humanity there was a team of construction workers working on a ruptured sewer line, trying to dig it up with a jackhammer, pickaxes, and sledgehammers. it was not barney's day, but it was his time.
one from the crowd hurried across several lanes of traffic usuccessfully (a greyhound bus did not stop in time, nor did it stop at all. later, at a rest stop, a frightened, disembarking passenger noticed the remains of a man deeply embedded in the front grill). another of the crowd tried and got across to the workers, who, having only heard the words "help...kill...barney," were already dashing to the site where barney lay, lightly bruised and abused.
they flipped the jackhammer to "on" and rammed in barney's skull with a sickening crack and spray of blood and bone fragments. it was like cracking open an easter egg: colorful on the outside, hard-shelled, and empty, and having nothing to do with easter whatsoever. you get the analogy. after the initial layer of bone caved in, the construction worker operating the jackhammer was growing excited, anticipating mashing his brains into a smooth consistency.
he was heartily disappointed when the skull gave way and out gushed losts of blood and mush, with exactly the feel of smashed overripe bananas. the smell was that of molding tomatos and week-old fish remains left to compost together. the stench came on suddenly and thickly and set the crowd coughing and gasping for non-barneyfied air to inhale. some passed out who were too close to barney's exploded melonhead.
barney's brain stew (nothing to do with the song) splattered all over the street, coating the crowd and dousing the worker. the worker was angered deeply (though not at all surprised) by the absence of barney's brain in his cranial cavity. he turned his jackhammer to the rest of barney's limp carcass and ground it into the pavement with a million blows of hardened steel. his soft meat was minced, his bones split and fractured into fine dust, and blood ornamented the clothing of all who looked on the glorious carnage. nothing was left but a cadmium smudge on the concrete, coated with fresh gum and lugis, courtesy the crowd.
the crowd had dispersed, not shaken nor disturbed by the gallons of blood running into the storm drains, the scraps of purple/green skin blowing in the wind, or powdered bone marrow scattering across the bustling metropolitan scape. they walked with a newfound spring in their step, as if a tremendous burden was ifted from their shoulders. one whistled.
and thus barney perished.
Written by The Anti-Barney
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