The Barry Manilow Fix

You eye it and smile. If you can't stand it, gophers won't be able to, either. You buy the biggest stereo you can find and get a dozen speakers to place in the many holes in your garden. You pump up the volume... and out spews Barry, singing "Can't Smile Without You!" You doesn't care, you put your new pair of shooter's earplugs in. "That'll do er", you mutter after the entire CD is played. "Killing gophers-- hey, I should go into business."

Next morning... there are more gophers than ever. It seems they really like Barry's singing, and they sit by their holes in the evening, waiting for the stereo to be plugged in again.

It makes a man want to chew gophers or chewing gum. Just like in Caddy Shack, these gophers seem to have nine lives. Or maybe 99. They just sit there gawking at you until you go to bed. Why should you play Barry Manilow for these varmints? Tomorrow night it will be The Doors or Deep Purple. If the neighbors can stand it, that is... "Down with gophers", you murmur in your sleep. And outside, the munching goes on... and then, you sit up straight in bed and smile. Propane!

Written by Pat O'Hare (edited by wanderer)

It's him.

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