Tell Us Of This Thing You Call. . . Peanut Butter

You are taken to a small room carved out inside a tree. The two squirrels who escorting you take up flanking positions by a locked door.

"So just take a seat there, hyoomie," the first squirrel says.

"And don't give us any trouble or we'll, uh.. bite you!" the second chimes in.

"Lenny, we ain't gonna bite him. We don't know where he's been." the first reminds the other.

"Shut up, Morton. You're ruining our, uh, intimidation value."

"We're squirrels. We're not very intimidating."

"But we're talking squirrels! Talking squirrels with access to The Serum! The hyoomie should fear us! We made him small!"

"Er," you say, clearing your throat, "Speaking as the 'hyoomie', I do find this a little scary."

"See!" Lenny shouts, doing a quick squirrel victory dance.

"Okay, fine." Morton sighs, drumming sharp claws against the inside surface of the tree. "Let's just get this over with."

"Please," you say. "I want to go home." After thinking a moment you quickly add, "And big. I want to be big again, too."

"Of course you do. And you'll get to be your normal size soon enough. But first, we have some... demands." Morton smiles slightly and saunters over to you.

"Yeah!" interjects Lenny.

"We want to know all about your hyoomie society."

"Yeah!"

"Okay," you shrug. "No problem. I mean, you're used to seeing us walking around and all. I mean, you should know all about what we do."

"True," Morton replies, "We watch you Outside at all times. But... Inside... We have no idea what you do. Especially what you do in... There."

"There?" you ask.

"Yeah!" shouts Lenny. "There! You know! The big building with the food in it! The building that holds the sweet Nectar of the Gods!"

You probably look, you decide, almost as confused as you feel.

"Peanut Butter," clarifies Morton. "We desire it. And you will help us get it."

"Uh, listen, if you wanted some peanut butter, you just had to ask. I'm sure lots of folks would have given it to you, being talking squirrels and all."

"The Squirrel Empire shall be beholden to no man!" Lenny declares, pumping a chubby paw in the air. "You will show us how to obtain it for ourselves!"

"Well, if you make me big again", you begin hopefully, "I can just take you into the grocery store and we can buy some."

"Of course you can," Morton says. "But afterwards, then what? No, silly hyoomie, we are too clever for that. You shall escort us into this 'grocery store' and reveal to us the secret of the Peanut Butter."

"Won't people notice two squirrels in a store?", you ask reasonably, still clinging to the vague shred of denial that keeps you from going completely insane under these circumstances.

"Fool!" shouts Lenny. "We have The Serum! We stole it from this 'lab' of yours and now, we control it! We will use it to become hyoomies ourselves!"

"Ah." This is starting to get weirder and weirder. Under the stress, your vague shred of denial, already overworked from telling you all through your dumbest skateboard trick that you'd be all right, passes off to Acceptance. (Acceptance accepts, naturally, but likely feels as though it's just opened the front door on some burning dog droppings.)

"So, if we can get along with this..." sighs Morton.

"Right," Lenny replied before bonking you in the head, knocking you out.

* * *

You awake lying on a park bench. It's night out, to judge by the stars overhead. Your arm tingles from another injection and your head still hurts from when Lenny hit you. You feel funny.

"The hyoomie awakes!" a voice, female, whispers.

"At last!" replies a male voice.

Soon enough, two faces loom into view. One is male, looking to be about twenty five years old or so. The other is female, looking to be thirteen tops. As you blink your eyes, your vision clears some and you take a look at the two figures standing over you. Both are wearing burlap sacks over their frames, looking like extras from a cheap caveman movie. Both are looking at you expectantly.

"Well? Get up!" says the girl, crossing her arms before her. She looks unhappy. Maybe it's because the burlap sack is a poor fit? Or maybe because she's, well, fat.

"Calm down, Lenny," says the male. He's skinny enough. Your powers of reasoning hastily deduce that he's Morton in human form. "The hyoomie has to adjust to its new form..."

New form?, you think. Then... you remember the Serum the squirrels kept talking about. Suddenly, you feel very naked. You bolt up into a sitting position on the bench and look down to see...

Written by Log (edited by wanderer)

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